It All Began Innocently Enough

CHARACTERS: Two writers: ED & CATHY, a married couple.

SETTING: Two home offices separated by a dining space. CATHY’s office is austere; ED’s office is a paper-cluttered mess. In each office a computer screen, with numbers indicating their sales rankings.

124,884 129,283
ED CATHY

At rise, ED and CATHY are seated at their desks and address the audience.

ED

(Holding up his book) As an author, it’s such a thrill to see your first novel published.

CATHY

Self-published.

My wife is traditionally published. Agent. Editor. Publicist. It’s nice for her, but I see no need for the major publishing houses.

CATHY

He was rejected by the major publishing houses.

And I’ve always taken a more entrepreneurial approach to my writing.

CATHY

Control freak.

This afternoon at the library, out of the blue, I was asked to sign my first book.

CATHY

He donated a copy.

These days, it’s all about word of mouth.

CATHY

Want a free copy? Tell my husband he’s a book blogger.

Did you know that word of mouth is responsible for half of all book sales?

CATHY

Not that he’s counting.

Not that I pay attention to my sales ranking.

CATHY

He’s obsessed with his sales ranking.

Well, maybe on occasion, while shopping online . . .

I’ll glance at it.

His number is unchanged.

CATHY

(Standing) It all began innocently enough.

To maintain a sales ranking below 100,000, you need to sell one book a day. To break into the top 100, you need to sell one hundred books a day. And to make it into the top 10 . . . dare I dream?

CATHY

Just one book.

One’s sales ranking may sound trivial, but most people read only six books a year.

CATHY

I read 57 books last year.

I read five. Which is why it’s such an achievement when you sell a book.

It’s not just a sale; it’s a relationship.

His number increases to 179,782.

One hundred and seventy-nine thousand? If only I could figure out how to have more than one relationship per day.

CATHY

(Calling over) What did you say?

(Calling back) Oh, nothing.

Not everyone has a major publisher.

CATHY

(To the audience) Speaking of my publisher, I recently approved my page proofs.

(To the audience) Cathy loves publisher-speak.

CATHY

A.R.C’s will be going out soon.

Advance Review Copies.

CATHY

I suggested we celebrate my forthcoming novel. Ed agreed to cook.

CATHY takes a seat in the dining room.

ED enters and pours wine.

(To CATHY) Shells with pesto sauce.

CATHY

(To ED) And a Willamette Valley pinot.

ED’s number increases to 355,331.

(Looking at the screen) Are you kidding me?

CATHY

I thought you loved pinot.

I do. It’s. It’s nothing.

How do you like the pasta?

CATHY

You’ve outdone yourself. The pasta, the wine…

ED’s number increases to 429,331.

(To the screen) Would it kill you to take the night off?

CATHY

I have taken the night off. Edward, this meal is lovely. It means so much to me that you’re as excited about my novel as I am.

ED’s number increases to 591,622.

ED looks at his phone, shakes his head in exasperation.

CATHY

What is it? Are you upset because I didn’t give you an A.R.C?

I don’t care about your A.R.C., Cathy. I care about my…R.O.I.

CATHY

What does that mean?

Return On Investment. Do you have any idea how much money and time I’ve spent trying to get the word out about my book? Not to mention blogging and texting and TikToking…

CATHY

You just looked at your sales rank, didn’t you?

(Despondent) I couldn’t help it.

CATHY

At the dinner table?

I downloaded an app to my phone. Now I can be depressed wherever I go.

CATHY

This morning you said your book was selling like crazy.

That was ten hours ago, an eternity when it comes to sales rank. Every few minutes, your sales rank can change. A new number, a new measurement. A judgment. Embarrassment.

CATHY

Word of mouth takes time.

And with each passing hour, it becomes apparent how little word of mouth I have.

His number increases to 1,233,222.

He stands.

CATHY

What’s wrong now?

I’m not hungry.

CATHY

You know that number is meaningless.

It’s not so meaningless to those numbered one through a hundred.

CATHY

It’s not about the books at the top. It’s about your book. Your readers.

All nine of them.

CATHY

It’s about the reason you got into writing in the first place. Remember?

I wanted a bestseller. Is that so much to ask?

ED returns to his office with the wine bottle, glares

at his screen.

CATHY meanders back to her office.

CATHY

(To the audience) I wanted to tell a story. Because I was raised on stories. Generations of writers and the books they left behind. Those books.

CATHY gazes at her bookcase, selects a title.

(To the audience) Those books.

CATHY

Books that inspired my book.

Books ranked ahead of my book.

CATHY

Ulysses.

(Staring at the screen) Twilight.

CATHY

As I Lay Dying.

ED

Conversations with God.

CATHY

The Sun Also Rises.

Breaking Dawn.

CATHY

Madame Bovary.

The 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse.

CATHY

Lord of the Flies.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

CATHY

Lolita.

50 Shades of Grey.

CATHY

The Bell Jar.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition.

CATHY

So many books.

Too many books.

CATHY

And soon I will add my book.

ED’s number increases to 2,372,126.

He drinks from the bottle.

Two million books ahead of mine.

CATHY

(Glancing at ED) It all began innocently enough.

ED’s number increases to 3,212,622.

Make that three million.

ED drops his head onto his desk.

CATHY

Ed spent days in front of his computer staring at his sales rank. I tried to be supportive. I took him to a movie. Let him watch football all day. Even wore that jog bra he has a fetish for. Then I did something rash.

The UPS driver enters with a box for Cathy.

I went online and bought a few copies of Ed’s book.

ED’s number drops to 75,213.

He perks up.

The UPS driver exits.

CATHY

I figured I could hand them out to friends. Figured he could use some good news.

(Standing) Stephen King. Ms. Rowling. Mr. Grisham. I’m gaining on you.

CATHY

I don’t mind telling you I didn’t need the jog bra that evening. So, I bought a few more copies.

The UPS driver enters with another box for CATHY, then exits.

ED’s number drops to 25,213

(Loudly) Honey, I think I’m going to tackle that broken toilet today.

CATHY

(To the audience) I bought five more.

The UPS Driver, now winded, carries in another box.

ED’s number drops to 4,213.

(To CATHY) And then I’ll clean the gutters.

The UPS Driver runs in with yet another box.

CATHY

Ten more?

And after that, I’m cleaning the windows.

CATHY enters the dining area.

CATHY

The transformation. For the price of a few books, I exerted total control over the man. If only I had discovered this when my parents were in town.

ED’s number drops to 983.

He enters dining room, dips CATHY, kisses her passionately.

Catherine, you are the most beautiful, intelligent, alluring woman I have ever met and will ever meet.

He returns to his office.

CATHY

That cost me 25 copies.

She returns to her office.

There’s just one minor problem.

She opens a cupboard crammed with copies of Ed’s novel.

I’m running out of room. I’ve got boxes of books piled up in the garage, the guest room. When Ed asked about them, I told him I’d recently discovered crafting. But now I have no room left to store my own books, which arrived last week.

She holds up her own book.

Yes, my novel.

We had a lovely reading last night at Main St. Books. Family. Friends. I signed more books than I could count.

(Glancing at the number on her screen) Not that I’m counting.

ED’s number drops to 479.

(To the audience) My fans. Wherever they are. I’m grateful to them. And I think it’s time I got out there to connect with them. As in book tour. New York. Boston. L.A. Think of all those books just waiting to be signed.

The UPS driver enters with a hand truck loaded with boxes.

CATHY tries to find room for the new boxes

Her number increases to 309,221.

CATHY

You spend a year, two immersed in words. And then one day, the words are gone, packaged up into a novel, and suddenly you’re immersed in a world of numbers. Sales rank. Retweets. Follows. Likes.

Her number increases to 883,290.

Numbers have no emotion. No empathy. That’s why we need words, to cushion us against numbers.

Her number increases to 991,477.

I e-mailed my editor. The e-mail bounced. I phoned, got hold of her assistant, who, it appears, is now my editor. There was a reorg. My publicist. Now assigned to a newer title. My agent. She asked me if I’d ever considered writing paranormal erotica.

Her number increases to 1,269,823.

Ed pokes his head into her office.

CATHY

(Snapping at him) What do you want?

Nothing. Is it that time of the —

CATHY

It’s always PMS with you, isn’t it?

No. I saw your sales rank.

CATHY

Of course, you did. And you’re here to gloat?

It’s not a popularity contest.

CATHY

Of course, it is. And not only am I not popular, but I know exactly by how much. That’s because we measure everything now. Miles walked, calories burned, number of friends who updated their profile photo while ignoring my latest blog post. And where do all these numbers get us? More stressed. More depressed. More aware of how we failed to measure up.

Cathy, I know how you feel. I was in your shoes once. But look at me now. I’m practically a bestseller. On the verge of a major book tour.

CATHY

Ed, before you pack your bags, I’m afraid there’s something you need to know.

Her number drops to 5,293.

Wait. Could it be? My book. Is selling?

Numbers never lie.

CATHY

Word of mouth. That’s what it is.

Half of all book sales are from word of mouth.

ED returns to his office.

CATHY

(To the audience) It’s silly, I know. To get so excited over a change in a number, something so fleeting and vague. And yet, I am excited. I have readers. Lots and lots of readers. And, who knows, maybe later today I’ll even crack the top 100.

The UPS driver enters ED’s office with boxes on a hand truck.

ED signs for them.

It all began innocently enough.

Lights fade.

JOHN YUNKER

John Yunker has obsessed over sales rankings for many years, thanks to the publication of his novels The Tourist Trail and Where Oceans Hide Their Dead. The Sales Rank Also Rises has been produced by the Oregon Contemporary Theatre and at the Washington DC Source Festival. Learn more at JohnYunker.com.

Spring 2022