Absolution

CHARACTERS: Priest, in his 50s; Augie 30s-40s

SETTING: Confessional in a Catholic Church.

At rise, PRIEST in the confessional, reading. AUGIE enters the confessional, kneels. PRIEST puts reading down, opens the portal.

AUGIE

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. In the many years since my last confession, I have committed murder.

PRIEST

Murder!?

AUGIE

Many times, Father.

PRIEST

Many times?!?

AUGIE

Thousands, I guess. Sometimes with my bare hands. Sometimes with a knife. Usually, I prefer a gun.

PRIEST

And you’ve done this thousands of times?!?

AUGIE

Yes, Father, in a recurring dream.

PRIEST

Ah, a dream.

AUGIE

Do you have nightmares, Father?

PRIEST

Have you prayed for help with these dreams?

AUGIE

I’m unable to pray, Father. I no longer believe.

PRIEST

I see. But you’re here now, so at some point you must have believed. How long have you had this crisis of faith?

AUGIE

Since my confirmation.

PRIEST

You’re not alone. Many people are pulled away from the Faith today. But the Lord is always here for you. All you have to do is reach out.

AUGIE

I loved the church as a boy. I loved the theater of it, the beauty of the ritual, the mystery of the sacraments. When I was—what is the word I’m looking for?—disabused. Yes, that’s it. When I was disabused of the mystery, I felt as though my mother had been murdered.

A pause.

PRIEST

Have you been to Mass recently?

AUGIE

No. It would be hypocritical.

PRIEST

Don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re all sinners. Everyone has doubts. But even in doubt, the act can be enough. The act itself can bestow grace through the mystery of the sacraments.

AUGIE

Fake it till you make it, as they say?

PRIEST

We must lean on the sacraments passed down from Jesus through St. Peter and all his successors.

AUGIE

It’s hard to believe when so much evil in the world seems to thrive. Why is there such evil in the world, Father? Where does it come from?

PRIEST

‘I sought whence evil comes and there was no solution,’ said St. Augustine.

AUGIE

That’s from his ‘Confessions.’  Right, Father?

PRIEST

That’s right! You’re familiar with his writings?

AUGIE

I’m his namesake. I’ve read him. I like him. He had doubts. I can relate.

PRIEST

I’m sure Augustine’s writings are more persuasive than anything I can say.

AUGIE

St. Augustine couldn’t figure things out. Then the boy appeared to him on the beach, trying to scoop out all the water in the ocean with a seashell. Remember that one, Father?

PRIEST

Of course. One of the great teachings on understanding the Holy Trinity.

AUGIE

Puny human understanding cannot comprehend the totality of God, any more than a boy can empty the ocean with a seashell.

PRIEST

That was the parable.

AUGIE

Augustine thought the boy was an angel. I wish I could meet one. He might help me with my doubts. Did you ever see any boy-angels, Father?

PRIEST

Not that I’m aware of.

AUGIE

Do you ever have doubts?

PRIEST

Yes, of course. As a young man I, too, was lost. I despaired. Now I know my crisis of faith was a blessing, because it forced me to turn to the Church. Our Lord had doubts in the Garden of Gethsemane. If I said I have no doubts, I’d be putting myself above the Lord.

AUGIE

And that would be the sin of Pride. Wouldn’t it, Father?

PRIEST

Of the seven deadly sins perhaps the deadliest.

AUGIE

Yes. Pride’s the big one. That’s what the nuns used to say.

PRIEST

You attended Catholic school?

AUGIE

St. James parish. You familiar with it?

A pause.

PRIEST

That was my first parish.

AUGIE

I’ve committed the sin of pride so often I can’t even count. Check that one off. What are the others? Sloth? Well, sometimes I’m too lazy to get out of bed. I lie there thinking, ‘What’s the use?’

PRIEST

That sounds more like depression than sloth.

AUGIE

Gluttony? Keep me away from potato chips. Those thick, greasy ones, I’ll polish off a jumbo bag in two minutes. I have to watch the ice cream, too. Actually, I struggled with overeating when I was in my teens. My therapist said I was using food as an emotional crutch, repressing shame and anger. If he only knew. I was too ashamed to tell even my therapist about my shame.

PRIEST

Couldn’t you tell your parents?

AUGIE

They were busy praying very hard for my soul. Then of course came the alcohol, the pot, crack, coke. All the party drugs. Hours of rehab and thousands of dollars.

PRIEST

Addictions are not necessarily mortal sins, my son.

AUGIE

No?

PRIEST

Overcoming them has a lot to do with easing the burden of shame. Christ can surely help with that. Christ was human, with human weaknesses.

AUGIE

Trust in a higher power. That’s why I’m here, to get down with the Lord. So, yeah, pride, sloth, gluttony. What else? Envy? Sure, I envy just about anybody who isn’t me. Well, that’s not true. There I go, lying. Add another Hail Mary.

He begins rattling off the prayer, like an announcer reading fast until he runs out of breath.

AUGIE

There’s always somebody who’s got it worse, right Father?

PRIEST

One doesn’t have to look far to find the afflicted, the destitute.

AUGIE

But I do envy folks who don’t have nightmares. Let’s see: Greed? I have done a lot of things for money: lied, cheated, stolen. I’ve sold my body. Oh, but I do wish I could have nice things: clothes, a big television, a big house, a car that’s smarter than I am. I want all those things. I’m practically drenched in good old American greed. But I’ve heard the Vatican’s got quite a bit stashed away, so I don’t feel too bad.

PRIEST

The important thing is to share your blessings and not let material possessions govern you.

AUGIE

Which brings us to the most popular sin, lust. We’ve all got that itch, don’t we Father?

A pause.

AUGIE

Did Jesus ever get laid, Father? Tradition says he was celibate, but even holy men get horny, right Father? ‘Give me chastity,’ St. Augustine said, ‘but not yet.’

PRIEST

Jesus was tolerant of weakness of the flesh. He walked with Mary Magdalene.

AUGIE

How about the Apostles? You think they ever got it on?

PRIEST

Let me interrupt you for a moment, um, Augustine?

AUGIE

Augie.

PRIEST

You don’t seem to be . . . I’m not feeling sincere repentance. I can’t . . . I can’t grant absolution for a litany of anger.

AUGIE

A litany of anger. Exactly. A very deadly sin, anger. I have a great deal of anger, Father. Carried around inside for years, commit the sin of anger just about every minute, waking and sleeping, twenty-four-seven, eat, breathe, and shit anger, and in my mind, I murder the same man over and over.

PRIEST AUGIE

Pray with me, let’s make

a good act of Contrition:— I’ve sinned so much it feels

Oh my God, I am heartily like grace to me, Father.

sorry for having offended

thee and I detest all my Anger was my biggest addiction,

sins because I dread the

loss of heaven, and the the one I could never kick.

pains of hell—

AUGIE

Who are you kidding, Father?  You’re right at home in hell.

PRIEST

Pray with me. Pray with me for guidance.

AUGIE

Remember the last time we prayed together, Father? In the vestry at St. James thirty years ago? I was your altar boy?  Waiting for my parents to pick me up after Mass?

PRIEST

You misunderstood. It was a benediction.

AUGIE

After I sobered up, I did a little research. I followed your career through six parishes. You never stayed in one place very long and you never rose above parish priest.

PRIEST

I serve where God calls me to serve.

AUGIE

Then there were the rumors swirling at the seminary.

PRIEST

All started by enemies to discredit me, block my advancement.

AUGIE

And other boys?   How many were there?

PRIEST

I have confessed my sins. I have confessed my sins. And received absolution.

AUGIE

I came here today to give you something.

He pulls a gun.

AUGIE

A holy relic.

PRIEST bolts from the confessional.

AUGIE intercepts him in front of the confessional.

They stand face to face, AUGIE pointing the gun at PRIEST.

AUGIE

For a long time, I said my rosary on this gun. I’d empty it, then with each bullet I loaded, I’d say a Hail Mary. Then I’d put the gun to my head and say an Our Father, always intending to pull the trigger right after ‘deliver us from evil.’ I don’t know why I never did. I don’t know what stopped me. Some angel? I think it was Augustine. ‘He who kills himself is a murderer,’ said Augustine. Whatever else I am, I am not a murderer . . . outside of my dreams. This is for you, Father. Call it an offering. A penance.

AUGIE puts the gun in PRIEST’s hand.

I’m late for an appointment with the Bishop. I’m going to see if he can help me with these nightmares. But I’m not hopeful.

 I guess you’d have to say I’ve lost my faith.

AUGIE exits.

PRIEST watches him, then slowly lifts his hand holding the gun to look at it.

The lights fade.

MICHAEL WATERSON

Michael Waterson is a retired journalist originally from Pittsburgh. His career includes stints as a forest firefighter, San Francisco taxi driver, and wine educator. He earned an MFA from Mills College. His poetry has appeared in numerous journals, and several of his one act plays have been produced.