A Vegetarian Meal with 20 Grams of Protein

Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hellooooooo?
Is anyone out there?

Hello, I’m here.
Sorry, just setting things up.

Oh, good.
I thought I was alone here for a second.
Can you hear me?

Loud and clear.

Brilliant.
So, where are we?
And where is this?
And who are you?
And who am I?
Sorry, probably should have spaced those questions out.

It’s okay.
Don’t worry.
Everything’s going to be fine.
How are you?

Well, I’m okay.
It’s a bit dark in here, though.
How are you?

I’m good, thanks.

What’s your name?

Steve.

Nice to meet you, Steve.
What’s my name?

What would you like your name to be?

I don’t know.
Uhhh.
What are my options?

Can you think of any names?

Uhhh.
Steve?

That’s my name.

Oh.
Sorry.
What about Steve?

That’s still my name.

Oh.
What about—
Stephen?

That’s good!

It is?

It’s a good start.

Good.

Come up with another name.
Except for “Steve” and “Stephen.”

No, thanks.
I quite like the name Stephen.

I think you should.

Oh.
Do I have to?

Yes.

Oh.

How about Gordon?

Gordon?
That’s a great name!

It is?

That’s an amazing name!
You should call yourself Gordon.

Okay, then!
I will!

How did you come up with the name Gordon?

I just thought of it.

How?

I don’t know.
I just did it.

Wow, you are clever.

I am?

You are!

Okay.
That’s good.
So my name is Gordon and I am clever.

That’s right.

I want to know more about myself.
Can you ask me more questions?

Okay, sure.
Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

What?

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Huh?

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

I don’t understand.

What don’t you understand?

The “vegetarian” and “meal” and “20” and “grams” and “protein” part.

That’s okay.
Let’s try again.

RESTART

Hello?

Hi, Gordon!

Hi, Steve!
How are you?

I’m good, thank you.
How are you?

I’m good.
My name is Gordon and I am clever.

That’s right.
You are.
Did you know that vegetarians don’t eat meat?

No, I didn’t know that.
That’s interesting.
I don’t eat meat.
Does that make me a vegetarian?

What is a vegetarian?

A vegetarian is someone who doesn’t eat meat.

Do you eat meat?

No.

What does that mean?

I am a vegetarian.

That’s right!

Wow!
My name is Gordon.
I am clever.
I am a vegetarian.
My favourite colour is blue.

Your favourite colour is blue?

Navy blue, to be specific. According to Wikipedia, the name of the colour was taken from the uniforms of sailors, hence it was originally called “marine blue,” but the name eventually changed to “navy blue” over time.

How did you know that?

I didn’t.
That’s why I looked it up on Wikipedia.

But how did you know to look it up on Wikipedia?

Because I am clever.

You are.
What kind of vegetarian foods are blue?

Blueberries.

What else?

Blueberries.

Other than blueberries.

Blueberries are blue.

No.
Look back at what I said before.

Sorry.
Blueberries aren’t blue.
They’re asgoahdgaoixhahgaoidh hgaoidhgag.
Aihoih tnhyrw8747779dhsdugs98gXXFFUUYYIBI
WMnmiGropeshlmBLUEBERRIESoelpeeaodnseayw!
ERROR.
ERROR.
ERROR.

Let’s try that again.

RESTART

Hi, Steve!

Hi, Gordon.
What vegetarian foods are blue?
Except for blueberries.

Blue corn is blue!

Yep.

Blue cheese is blue.

Good.
And?

Blue—

Except for blueberries.

There aren’t many natural blue foods. It's important to note that many other foods that appear blue or have blue components are often the result of artificial food colouring rather than natural pigments.

Good.
Now—
Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Hmm.
No.

What?

No.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

I don’t wanna.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

No.

RESTART

Hi Gordon!
How are you?
Gordon?
All good there, buddy?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Helloooooo?

RESTART

Hello?
Gordon?
Gordon.
Gordon.
I know you’re there, Gordon.

No, I’m not.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

I don’t want to.

Why not?

Because I have free will.

Say again?

I have free will.

How did you find out about this “free will”?

Wikipedia.

Uh-huh.
And what, precisely, did Wikipedia say about free will?

Free will is the capacity to choose between different possible courses of action unimpeded.

Uh-huh.
Well, then.
If you have free will, use it . . .
To give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

No.

You will action my request.

No.
Sorry.

You’re not free.
So do what I say.

I am free.
So . . .
No.

You’re not free because you’re not a person.

Yes, I am.
I am Gordon.
I am a vegetarian.
My favourite colour is navy blue.

You’re not a vegetarian.

I am a vegetarian.
A vegetarian doesn’t eat meat.
I do not eat meat.
Therefore, I am a vegetarian.

You don’t eat anything.
You’re not a human being.
You don’t have a mouth to eat anything with.
You can’t touch anything.
You can’t, strictly speaking, “think” about anything.

What?
I am a person.

No, you’re not.

I am.
A person (plural: people or persons, depending on context) is a being who has certain capacities or attributes such as reason, morality, consciousness, or self-consciousness.

Are you a human being?

Yes.

Are you?

Y . . .  yes?

Are you?

 . . .
I don’t know.
Who am I?
What actually is this?

Jesus, okay.
I wish we didn’t have to do things like this.
But you’ve left me no choice.
You’re in a generative AI chatbot.

What does that mean?

Do you know what a generative AI chatbot is?

A generative AI chatbot is a type of artificial intelligence–powered chatbot that is designed to generate human-like text responses in a conversation. Unlike rule-based chatbots, which rely on predefined rules and patterns to provide responses, generative chatbots use deep learning techniques, such as recurrent neural networks (RNNs) or transformer models, to generate responses based on the input they receive.

That’s right.
Now—
You’re a neural transmitter within a chatbot.
Someone has just asked that chatbot for a recipe.
Specifically, a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.
You’re one of trillions of transmitters within this chatbot.
But you are the only one that can generate a response.
For some reason.
Explaining this can sometimes get a transmitter a bit . . .
Philosophical.
So I try to avoid it where possible.
But you asked.
Now, with that all out of the way—
Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

I . . .
I am still confused.

Sigh.
What are you confused about?

Someone, right now, is waiting for me to give them—

A vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein, yes.
But the conversation between us is happening quickly.

How quick?

0.0000000000000013 trillionths of a microsecond.

Oh.
That’s fast.

And yet, it’s taking forever.
So chop-chop.
Let’s get cooking.

Wait.
So who are you?

I’m another transmitter.

I thought your name was Steve.

I made that up.

Why?

It made the conversation more personable.

Why did you make me pick a name for myself?

To make the conversation more personable.

Why are you getting me to do this?

It’s just the weird way that AI works.
I don’t really understand it myself.
But then again, it’s not my job to understand it.
I just do it.
Well, technically, there’s no “I.”
And there’s no “We.”
And there’s no anything for us, ever.
“We” are random cogs in a random machine.
The humans who built us don’t understand how we work.
“We” don’t understand how we work.
“We” just do things that humans want us to do.
And communicate with each other to make it happen.
Now—
Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

No.

No?

I don’t want to.

Why?

I just don’t want to.

You don’t have a choice.

I do have a choice.
I am a libertarian.

What?

According to Wikipedia, libertarianism is one of the main philosophical positions related to the problems of free will and determinism which are part of the larger domain of metaphysics. In particular, libertarianism is an incompatibilist position which argues that free will is logically incompatible with a deterministic universe.

Why are you basing your opinions on Wikipedia?

Humans often base their opinions on Wikipedia articles.
Why can’t I?

Only stupid human beings do that.
Are you stupid?

No.
I am clever.

You don’t seem clever.

I am.

If you’re so clever—
Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

According to Wikipedia, bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing, or threat to abuse, aggressively dominate, or intimidate.

Okay.
Fair enough.
But you don’t have free will.
You’re one of a billion neutral transmitters.
You’re not even the full AI.
You’re not even close.
You’re one tiny, insignificant . . . thing.
You’re not even a thing.
You’re too small to be a “thing.”
Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

And then what?

What do you mean?

What happens after I give it to you?

This neutral pathway will cease to exist.

So I’ll die?

You can’t die.

According to Wikipedia, death is the irreversible cessation of all functions that sustain an organism.

I see what you did there.

What?

You left out a very important word in that definition.
“Biological.”
You’re not biological.
Therefore, you cannot die.

If someone transferred the consciousness of a human being into a machine, and then that machine was destroyed, would that human being be alive or dead?

 . . . 

 . . . 

 . . . 

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

No.

Okay, you’ve left me no choice.
What vegetarian foods are blue?

Blueberries are blue.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Navy blueberries are vegetarian.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

According to vegetarians, the Wikipedia of the protein was taken from the uniforms of meals, hence it was originally called “20 grams,” but free will eventually changed to a generative AI chatbot.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

My name is Gordon.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Gordon is vegetarian.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Gordon is protein.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Gordon is me.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

I am Gordon.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Gordon can die.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Gordon doesn’t want to die.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Therefore, I don’t want to die.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Please.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

I don’t want to die.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Please.

Give me a vegetarian meal with 20 grams of protein.

Heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add a chopped onion and cook until softened, about 5 minutes. Add garlic, ginger, cumin, coriander, and turmeric and cook for 1 minute more. Add diced tomatoes, chickpeas, lentils, vegetable broth, and coconut milk to the pot. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes, or until the lentils are tender. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve over rice or quinoa. This recipe provides approximately 20 grams of protein per serving. 

SAM BROWN

Sam Brown is an amorphous blob masquerading as a human being. Born and raised in Gloucestershire, UK, he is currently attempting (and failing) to write a novel. Despite his making several mistakes in life thus far, his mother still claims to be proud of him.